Blogging leads back to Noveling “Excerpt” #1

art, writing

Art: original

Excerpt 1: The Aftermath

“I walked down the street for hours until darkness fell upon the city like a soft blanket. For a time I was all cried out, everything seemed new and strange, even the sight of my moving feet entranced me. While I tried to concentrate all of my attention on the patterns in the broken pavement, in the back of my mind loomed a chilling realization that my life could never be the same. Hours must have passed before I finally felt the pangs of thirst, aching legs spoke up next, pulling me decidedly back into my body. The escalation from discomfort to pain was quick and unsparing. It felt as if 25 pound dumbbells had sprouted from my limbs, with another draping itself around my neck. I hailed a cab and requested to be taken to the closest hotel. All I wanted then was to free my throbbing feet from their shoes and disappear. While the entirety of my luggage, including my purse, had been abandoned at the apartment, my wallet was, luckily, in the pocket of my coat. I handed the cabby some loose cash and dragged myself into the hotel lobby. I don’t remember much after that. Somehow, in a daze, set on “automatic”, I managed to check in and make it up to the room. Heaviness is all I can really recall, so steadily it pressed itself upon me. My feet, my hands, even my head were filled, to what felt like their absolute limit, with gravity, too heavy to be carried around for another second. I laid them down on the bed with the rest of me and gave in to a dreamless sleep.” 

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5 thoughts on “Blogging leads back to Noveling “Excerpt” #1

  1. Love this! The feeling of heaviness is palpable! The only minor change I’d make concerns the word gravity below. Where you say,

    “My feet, my hands, even my head were filled to what felt like their absolute limit, with gravity, too heavy to be carried around for another second.”

    I would have said,

    “My feet, my hands, even my head were filled with gravity to what felt like their absolute limit, too heavy to be carried around for another second.”

    This allows you to get rid of a secondary sentence too many.

    A very powerful excerpt, thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and offering feedback. 🙂 I agree with the correctness of your correction, and understand why it might be prefferable, but my structuring is intentional, it might read more awkwardly to some, than say me, but it allows for a unique beat that I personally like, a stylistic signature if you will, and makes for an unconventionally structured sentence that doesn’t give away its meaning in a linear way. You have to read the whole thing and make the necessary connections yourself, like a puzzle. I think this issue is in some way addressed in my penultimate blog entry, the one about Pollock, I sense that you are, as a writer, more Gainsborough. :P. Thanks again for visiting. I just started this blogging thing and this is my first comment experience! I shan’t ever forget it! I wholeheartedly hope you will weigh in going forward, don’t hold back, although there is often a method to my madness I am not sensitive and welcome input.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah, I see. No, it actually makes sense. It’s your voice, and I wouldn’t dream of correcting one’s voice.

        As for Pollock, he is one of my favourite artists, but no, I’m neither him nor Gainsborough. I see myself more of a Monet. If your read my books, you’ll see that I’m not one for long descriptions and prefer broad strokes to minute details. 🙂

        As long as you stay true to your voice, I’m sure you’ll do great, whether in blogging or writing. Happy blogging! 🙂

        Like

        1. A Monet huh? Don’t you write science fiction? Your artist avatar has to be corresponding in content also, not just style 😛 It’s funny my friend immediately rejected my artist choices too, but as i told her, the Gainsborough/Pollock thing is not meant to be precise, it represents a spectrum, with the two extremes, I was just pulling opposites. If I were precise I would call the Blog I originally referenced as a beautiful landscape a Manet, as apposed to a G..gh and my own a Chagall! 😛

          Liked by 1 person

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