On why Insects bite the crap out of me

humor, writing

I am an insect Superhero..or..The perils of fame

In the “About me” section of my profile, I mentioned that for some unknown reason, insects think I am a Superhero. Granted, I treat them with a measure of respect seldom afforded such small creatures, and have been known to carry out elaborate rescue missions of confused bees and disoriented snails. Despite this, I certainly have done nothing to encourage the unfortunate misconception that I am a Superhero. Still, insects idolize me. They build countless effigies in my honor and conduct weekly revelries in my kitchen, sacrificing insect virgins and babies in an effort to earn my favor. But it doesn’t end there. I am frequently accosted by swarms of my insect fans, and mind you, they are not gentle. Unhinged by the mere sight of me, my insect devotees will stop at nothing to get a piece. Steel your nerves, as what I am about to tell you is indeed, disturbing. On a multitude of occasions I have been violently bitten, on my flesh and even on my head. During other, no less traumatic assaults, they have savagely stabbed at me and stolen my blood! Recently, I heard from a loose-lipped Beetle, that my blood has become quite the commodity on the insect black market. Apparently, it is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac, as well as performance-enhancing drug, commonly used for the purpose of increasing the size and overall stamina of the insect erection. There is even a notorious ring of counter-fitters, trying to pass off other, much inferior blood, as mine. It’s all especially hard, since no one can really understand what I am going through, save The Beatles..and Britney.

 Breaking News: Mr. Mantis, featured above, is a perfect example of the kind of unseemly characters that haunt my existence. This evening the culprit was able to sneak past my security, unceremoniously landing onto my hand. I swear, it’s like these insects think they own me. I shook him off, but he, being more nimble than I anticipated, jumped onto the handle of my tennis hopper, as seen in photo. Glaring at me with beady eyes, he slowly moved his super weird arms making karate chop gestures in my direction. Little did he know, that It takes more than slow motion karate to intimidate me. I immediately called the Insect Police. Mr. Mantis was able to escape, but not before I snapped this incriminating photograph of the criminal in action. There is a warrant out for his arrest, he is considered long armed and extremely green. Citizens, friends, I implore you, hide your children, he may be preying.

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4 thoughts on “On why Insects bite the crap out of me

  1. Hey are using WordPress for your blog platform? I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started and set up my own. Do you require any coding knowledge to make your own blog? Any help would be really appreciated! adegefkckdfa

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  2. You probably haven’t thought about it… but “insects” gives you all the clue you’d ever need… In sects… they are all part of a world-spanning cult whose goals are nothing short of complete domination of the planet. Be warned, they know they cannot convert you to their cause, so you are the enemy.

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