On Tattoos

advice, art, miscellaneous

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I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that 99.99% of tattoos I see make my eyes hurt. People, overwhelmingly, have terrible taste and a real nonchalant attitude about getting inked. Having taste and aesthetic standards in a tasteless world is almost a burden I tell ya. A daily struggle really, especially when you live in the white trash capital of all the places you’d ever been to, Arizona.
Here are some basic tips on getting a tattoo that doesn’t assault my aesthetic sensibilities. Please read carefully and commit to memory. Together we’ll make the world a better place!

1) Don’t just plop by the first parlor and pick shit out of a book, have some self respect, dig down for something with some real meaning, even if butterflies & sunshine are just your fave thing ever.
2) Not all tattooists are created equal, real tattoo artists specialize in different genres and have different strengths, they do not take in every and any Job, they refer.
2.5) You get what you pay for! A skilled professional charges 100$-200$ an hour and comes with a wait list. Sure it’s steep, but getting a tattoo is like growing a new limb, it will be a part of you forever, or at least until you come to your senses and leave Billy Bob for greener pastures.
3) Dark solid colored designs with lots of red WILL make you look like you have syphilis or a flesh eating disease, so think twice, for reference see Jenna Jameson circa 2014.
4) Please NOT the face, one day you might not want to be a gangster.
5) NOT the belly button, that’s just gross
6) Tribal tats..really? Still?! Gag
7) Mostly leg and calf tattoos on women just look bad.
8) This one might be too obvious, but worth the mention, no symbols in foreign languages, unless of course said symbol is in your mother tongue, still this might be a forever ruined proposition.

Tattoos are serious business. They can endow you with beauty; make you interesting; make you a banality & a cliche; completely misdirect people from who you really are; or just make you ugly. Much like clothes, except you cant just take them off.

34 thoughts on “On Tattoos”

  3. Lots of different places to tackle here, so I’ll just go for the one you didn’t mention…

    I wish people would stop getting tattoos of things in languages that they don’t understand! They think it’s cool to have the Chinese symbol for “strength” or something on their arm only to be told by someone who can interpret the language properly that what they have is the symbol for “cereal” or something equally meaningless.

    At least a poorly drawn tattoo might still represent something close to what you wanted… don’t get a tattoo in a language you can’t read yourself to proofread first!

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  6. I just don’t get tattoos. My daughter has a few. And still don’t get it. I don’t get body piercings, nose piercings, eyebrow piercings, either. Or blue or purple hair. I know that tattoos are serious business. But I just don’t get it.

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    1. I’ve always wanted a tat, but as listed above, the fear of getting some ridiculous call sign, picture, unintelligible Latin, Greek or Chinese word I would live to regret on wrinkled skin holds me back. Did you know Tweety bird turns to Big Bird in the twighlight years? So I shall contentedly continue to use henna tattoos until something outstanding catches my imagination.

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      1. Hahahaha!!! Big bird! That’s smart. Yea, something meaningful presents itself it can be a beautiful thing, but only then, and start somewhere discreet just to make sure being “inked” doesn’t clash with your identity, it’s one of those things people do often regret shortly there after. My first tattoo i got when i was really young, luckily it’s not visible, because i am in no way the kind of person who would have that kind of a tattoo! Lol the last and only very visible tattoo I got is of my horse, as seen in picture, that animal means everything to me, she has changed my life, saved my ass etc, i drew her myself, and voila, getting her in such an obvious place was very scary, i probably could have nothing else that i wouldnt dread there, but because its a portrait of her and it’s very well executed, i love it more and more every day…. So it’s definitely risky business! With a great pay off or a great bill and lots of pain for tattoo removal procedure! 😛

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