Part 5: On lonely girls and broken hearts

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Plz find Parts 1234 by clicking on the numbers. 🙂

A few days passed since my exodus and yet I hadn’t heard from him at all. It was the biggest break we had to date in terms of communication. Eventually I called him but he didn’t pick up and didn’t call me back. I called again, nothing. I left a couple of concerned voice mails. Nothing. It was all around confounding. I didn’t know what to think. I’d never been an alarmist but I started to worry for him, as he was now marooned up in that house quite alone, not counting the wine. I texted him a few times too requesting a confirmation of life, still there was no reply. Finally, right when I was ready to drive over to check on him, he shot me back a short text, casually letting me know that he was fine, but busy. This was followed by another period of radio silence. I remember feeling very confused and anxious and finally penning a heartfelt message which questioned the state of our relationship, while reminding him of my friendship and love. He did respond then, denying the validity of my concerns and reassuring me that nothing in fact had changed between us. That exchange I, for some reason, remember in its entirety. He insisted that our friendship, despite evidence to the contrary, had undergone no change at all and that I was still “singularly unique and special” to him. This was, as i had shortly learned, a flat out lie, as he was in fact done with me for good, but putting me out of my misery would have required too great a generosity on his part, it was no 4$ latte or DVD after all. To be clear, the crux of my injury wasn’t that he had a sudden change of heart, demoralizing as this was, the real hurt emanated from his not caring or respecting me enough to simply take my call and tell me something-anything real. If he had, I would undoubtedly still have been hurt, but I would also walk away with as high an opinion of him as ever and a mind to healing.

No measure of wariness towards J could have prepared me for this turn of events. I was, in all honesty, soul-crushed and for a long time thereafter truly, deeply sad. If his disappearance from my world seems innocuous as far as transgressions go, let me assure you it was not; it was acutely, painfully felt. Sure, dropping the proverbial curtain and exiting stage left is every person’s prerogative, but sneaking out under cover of night is not. To this day abandonment ranks on my list of painful experiences as one of the worst and most contemptible. I hate to be dramatic, but I think he could have just as well punched me in the stomach. It felt in every way like a violence and a theft. Had he indicated his intentions to disengage, extended any, and I do mean any, courtesy explanation aimed towards closure, or even just a stock Good Bye, I would have been able to process it differently. It was his silence, evasion and complete lack of basic human regard for me that shocked my system, and although it mostly bruised my heart, it was also a blow to my pride and my self-esteem. (Admittedly, the latter was struck the least)

It boggles my mind even now that this seemingly earnest, tender hearted boy (..or man I guess) with his love of dogs and his rare gift for words could be so inexplicably thoughtless (cruel). Though obviously, I misunderstood completely the degree of his attachment and care for me, what surprised me most was how sorely I misjudged his character. He was in regards to me indecent, an utter failure. At the time I would have bet my arm that underneath the charm and the words, there was a conscientious person of substance and heart. I would have lost that bet (and the arm) as words proved to be ALL he was.

Before now I never talked about any of this, because, in part, I was ashamed of having let myself fall into it as I did. After all I was and always will be the only one responsible for my own feelings, the fact that I got hurt was, as they say, on me. Victim girl or Foolish girl were not monikers I cared to take up and “vulnerable” is perhaps a word I detest most and in general, god forbid it be spoken in reference to me. Pride and unresolved confusion further conflated into a kind of secretiveness. On some level too, I think I hoped that the story still had a chance of finding a better conclusion, so I kept it tucked away in a cognitive limbo. That’s the trouble with hope, enduring as it is, it doesn’t fall within the purview of good judgment or reason.

banksy-street-art-balloon-heart-facebook-cover-timeline-banner-for-fb

A few years later, with hope finally abandoned, I wrote J an email outlining how I felt. It was a way of self-generating the closure he couldn’t give me. I wanted it to be finite, so I asked that he not respond, even if by some chance he felt inclined to do so. I don’t remember what exactly was in it, I imagine it was some version of all this, and I don’t know that he read it, but if he did, he heeded my request obliging me with his continued silence.

The overall experience marked me indelibly, but it did not change or callus me. In all fairness the universe did make ample karmic recompense to me shortly thereafter, turning Lonely girl into a decidedly Lucky girl (so lucky). I am still genuinely concerned for J’s happiness and still only wish him the best. I think I’ll never stop rooting for him, and that is something I don’t dislike about myself. The most significant thing I carried out from it all, besides a purple heart bruise, was a lesson in accountability. From that point forward I was always painstakingly careful not to lead anyone on whom I did not intend to keep.

Untitled copy

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38 thoughts on “Part 5: On lonely girls and broken hearts

    1. 🙂 you’re back. I also considered it, but no i dont. Did you see his response to chapter 3 and you lol?
      I think he was just for whayever reason over it, over me, toy got old, and i think he handled it like a kid, total desertion and avoidance

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  1. I watch too much popular television, so the entire time reading this post series I was thinking of the How I Met Your Mother episode, “Hooked.” Basically, it was about how people don’t concretely shut the door on a prospective romance and, effectively, lead people on for a prolonged period of time.

    I’d guess that most folks of a certain age have been on both sides of the hook (and like in that HIMYM episode, some people just don’t realize it).

    Liked by 1 person

                1. there is a simple explanation and i thought i outlined it clearly, but apparently you insist on reading between the lines. Remember when you were little and you got some new toy that was different from others you just adored it, you toted it around with you, slept with it, took exceptional care of it, then one day you woke up and totally forgot all about it, when you laid eyes on it it just looked like any other object in your room, taking up space, so you kicked it under the bed and forgot about it. This is what happened with us, the problem with it is that a child can afford to do this as the toy is usually an inanimate object and the frivolity is appropriate for someone so young and emotionally immature. The problem with J is that although like a child, one day he just got sick of me, unlike a child he had the mental capacity to appreciate how his behavior would affect me and didn’t care. I think it’s a frivolity that could be symptomatic of a kind of sociopathy. it’s just that simple, new toy turned to old toy and careless boy kicked it under the bed..the toy was a real life girl.

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  2. Your capacity to express angst and pain on paper ( ok- so maybe blogs ain’t made outta paper, but you know what I mean ) is ‘a singularly unique and special’ ability —
    Always well worth reading.
    And you certainly can turn a phrase when you want to.

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            1. Purple, well i hate purple, if you recall it’s how i got into the whole mess, purple will never be my style. Weee i still a Lonely girl, in the same way i was then, perhaps, but no such luck..so melancholy be damned. i’m more Bored girl with only a lonely hint now, i’ll just take my A and scamper away

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  3. Uh oh. I think I may have referred to you in an earlier comment as being vulnerable. Oops.

    Thanks for writing and posting this series, IGBG. It must have been both painful and cathartic to put all this out there for the world to see. And I’m wondering if J, since it appears he has read your series of posts, will explain what happened from his perspective or if you even are interested in finding that out. I believe that disengaging from someone you have loved and cared about when suddenly your love has abated and the care is not longer as intense is a very difficult process to go through and the easy way out — at least for the person who wants to disengage — is just to sort of disappear, with the expectation that the other party will eventually get it. It’s a chicken’s way out to not confront you own demons or to try to toss them onto another’s shoulders. But you seem to have come out okay in the end and I hope writing these posts gave you what you needed. Thanks for sharing this with us…with me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I forgave you that “Vulnerable” bit, you couldn’t have known.

      Thank you for reading it Doobs, It honestly wasn’t at all painful, it was a creative effort for sure, and in the end it did feel cathartic, but i think it had more to do with the fact that i actually translated the episode into something i liked, as in the post itself. Like i mentioned before I asked J and got the usual indecipherable malarkey about me being too mature and him not having the self esteem to live up to my high opinion of his person. It is what it is and it’s fine. Simple fact is e didn’t want me in his life and how he went about accomplishing my removal is a reflection of his character, not mine. Chicken is right, although i think this is an insult to chickens everywhere. I honestly didn’t “need’ anything, so writing these post gave me the creative gratification of bringing a personal essay to completion, and thusly passing the time in a thoughtful and productive way. And as you know I love our little discussions, so that’s always fun. But that’s it. Don’t get all sentimental on me here. Hugs

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  4. I’ve had a similar experience in my life. I think for a time it did callus me but only for a short while. The sudden abandonment with no explanation was really horrible. I went on to have a happy and successfull life but for a long time after I just wanted to know why I was dismissed so casually. I should have seen some of the signs though, as she would in certain vieled ways insinuate that I wasn’t quite good enough for her, which now is quite laughable, but at the time I was vulnerable and so was grateful for the attention. I thought of sending an email or something, or even run into her, just so I could tell her what shallow thing she was and that her opinion of herself and her actual abilities do not match. But even that faded with time and so now, if I were able to contact her I would be able to give her an honest, not angry, assessment of her shortcomings as a human being. Really enjoyed this and love the last line.
    Did you do that drawing?

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    1. Yea, i mean because of my mentioned attraction to a kind of troubled personality type, It happened to me 2 other times, ones with a female friend and another with a guy i was sort of kind of dating. I didn’t feel as close to either of the other two, so although it was confounding, it wasn’t as affective. I think that this sort of thing is not as rare as it might seem, because generally people are shitty to each other, the reason it was so surprising to me, especially in J’s case, is that I really thought that we shared a kind of conscientious idealism and respect for one another, our friendship had a uniquely exalted quality to it as far as i was concerned, so to have it treated with such cavalier disregard was, i don’t know, stupefying i guess, i know there is a better word for it, but brain won’t cooperate. I don’t have any angry feelings at all, i only reached back tot he story because Erin’s blog kinda brought me back to it presenting a great prompt for writing. I wrote it for writing’s sake and not for catharsis, not to say that it wasn’t cathartic. Maybe now you can take up the torch, just as i did with Erin’s V story, and write that thoughtful post about that girl. I know I’d like to read it.
      I am so glad you like it, that means a lot to me, it was a labor of love :P. tehehe
      The top drawing is from The Little Prince, my very favorite book, I’ve had a tattoo of it since i was a kid. It’s very short, and very relevant to this subject, you have to read it! The middle drawing is Banksy.

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      1. Well, I really did enjoy the story. I’m not sure if I’ll write about my experience or not. My wife reads my blog and I was dating (what a stupid word) this girl while we were both in my wifes Shakespeare class at the university (that’s how I met my wife). So it could be weird and I would never ever want to cause my wife to be in any uncomfortable situations because she just might be the single sweetest person on the planet. Going in to marry someone who is brilliant and supportive in every way, and KIND beyond belief, took the sting out being abandoned by someone who had an idea of herself that was bizzarely inflated. And, because I was emotionally not on my game I thought how nice it was that she spent time with me. Hahaha. God, what a strange time. Thank you though for being so honest and laying bare a troubled time.

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        1. You know what is best for you and yours. I am actually in exactly the same boat, the karmic recompense i spoke of is my husband, and i would describe him exactly as you did your wife, perhaps they are related. Neither he nor i are threatened by each other’s past, in any way, I am great friends with my ex boyfriend for example and spend time with him alone even, i help him plot his lady slaying lol, such is the extent of our emotional trust. Actually J happened right after I removed myself from that ex boyfriend, which is perhaps why he came to mean so much to me, as it was a time i needed a friend. I think best stories come from personal experiences and it is shame to be limited in what you can draw from, but of course nothing is as important as your partner’s continued emotional comfort. Thank YOU for caring enough to read and comment!

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