Desert for dessert?

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On New Year’s Resolutions

humor

It’s that time of year again I guess, resolutions must be made. I always, without fail, keep my new year’s resolutions because, contrary to most other people’s, mine are grounded in reality, careful self analysis and deep introspection. So after days of rigorous self examination, I have discerned that my central resolution for year 2015 is to become a TIGER. Doubtless it will take hard work and unwavering commitment to stripes, spots, purrs and naps, but I am feeling strong and quite resolved all-around. Who else out their is endeavoring to metamorphosize. Any aspiring lambs?

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On Tattoos

advice, art, miscellaneous

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I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that 99.99% of tattoos I see make my eyes hurt. People, overwhelmingly, have terrible taste and a real nonchalant attitude about getting inked. Having taste and aesthetic standards in a tasteless world is almost a burden I tell ya. A daily struggle really, especially when you live in the white trash capital of all the places you’d ever been to, Arizona.
Here are some basic tips on getting a tattoo that doesn’t assault my aesthetic sensibilities. Please read carefully and commit to memory. Together we’ll make the world a better place!

1) Don’t just plop by the first parlor and pick shit out of a book, have some self respect, dig down for something with some real meaning, even if butterflies & sunshine are just your fave thing ever.
2) Not all tattooists are created equal, real tattoo artists specialize in different genres and have different strengths, they do not take in every and any Job, they refer.
2.5) You get what you pay for! A skilled professional charges 100$-200$ an hour and comes with a wait list. Sure it’s steep, but getting a tattoo is like growing a new limb, it will be a part of you forever, or at least until you come to your senses and leave Billy Bob for greener pastures.
3) Dark solid colored designs with lots of red WILL make you look like you have syphilis or a flesh eating disease, so think twice, for reference see Jenna Jameson circa 2014.
4) Please NOT the face, one day you might not want to be a gangster.
5) NOT the belly button, that’s just gross
6) Tribal tats..really? Still?! Gag
7) Mostly leg and calf tattoos on women just look bad.
8) This one might be too obvious, but worth the mention, no symbols in foreign languages, unless of course said symbol is in your mother tongue, still this might be a forever ruined proposition.

Tattoos are serious business. They can endow you with beauty; make you interesting; make you a banality & a cliche; completely misdirect people from who you really are; or just make you ugly. Much like clothes, except you cant just take them off.